I No Longer…..

affiliate disclosure-image

lookbehindshowercurtain image

I No Longer…..

As we progress through to the beginning of 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers
because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t share this post with at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . .

{shared by my Aunt through an email, but I feel exactly the same way so I too just had to share}.

Oh, and by the way…..

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, and at a cost to the taxpayers of only 5 million dollars, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails & posts with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…

Becky

Wife, mother, grandma, blogger, all wrapped into one person, although it does not define her these are roles that are important to her. From empty nesters to living with our oldest and 2 grandchildren while our house is rebuilt after a house fire in 10/2018 my life is something new each day.

4
Leave a Reply

avatar
350
4 Comment threads
0 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
4 Comment authors
StanMiriamLisaCurt Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
Stan
Guest

:))
In my defense, i like to always be a click away from the next website, that’s the main reason i keep my hand on the mouse when i read.
But it was worth the 5 mil. to make me think about it.

Miriam
Guest

LOL! But in all fairness, I needed to keep my hand on the mouse so I could scroll down the page – otherwise it’s just inefficient movement. 😉

Lisa
Guest
Lisa

Love this post and how true some of it is if you read too much…Don’t stop reading….

Curt
Guest

Good stuff! 🙂 That cracks me up. Well, maybe I’ll wash my hands more often now! 🙂